What on earth do you do when your half way decently raised young-un is paired in a tiny college dorm room with a person who thinks it is just dandy to bring the BF back to the room and spend the nights in loud...well...use your imagination? We are not talking quiet and discrete and possible to ignore here...we are talking chasing each other around the room at three in the morning screaming and yelling and then....
I mean the beds are just a few inches apart. I am stymied. Heard about this kind of stuff and seen daughters of a number of friends forgo education at top schools to come back to local colleges and live at home so they didn't have to deal with stuff like that...and worse I guess. I know it's college. They are grown ups. Etc....but dang, the grown ups I know have more class than that...or most of them...or maybe I am missing something. Maybe these kids all want to grow up to be David Letterman.
Advice from those more experienced with college kids would be much appreciated. Up until this semester the kids have lived at home and commuted to SUNY Cobleskill, a fine school from which Liz graduated first in her class, which alas does not offer a degree in anthropology or archaeology.
We just don't know how to handle this...or how to suggest that our girl handles it. We were thinking of sending this extra-large economy-sized black belt guy we know...up to put in a quick appearance or something...however, it is getting to be not funny and we are about done with joking about it.
If the rest of the privileged, spoiled brats want to party, drink, smoke dope and so forth all through their time at college, cheating themselves, their parents, and the employers they will work for in the future, by not learning a blasted thing at college I guess that is their right. Damn if I think it's fair that they are cheating my kid too. Thanks in advance for what I know will be the best advice in town....and have a great weekend.
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Your daughter needs to go to the Dean of Students and explain that this room assignment simply will not work and why. She needs to be calm and explain that it violates her moral values and is keeping her from being able to focus on her education, which after all is why she is there. Also that she has tried to work it out with the roommate and been unsuccessful. I imagine there are other kids in the same boat. I know that when my daughter was at Wells rooms were changed. And if her going to the dean does not work you need to make some noise as a concerned parent.
ReplyDeleteBased on my experience with four kids successfully through college, I can tell you that the behavior your daughter is experiencing is the exception, not the norm. These are the stories everyone hears about because the stories of studious kids in the library don't get spread around.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing your daughter should do, IMHO, is talk to her roommate and explain what she likes/doesn't like. They should try to negotiate some rules between them. If that isn't sufficient or doesn't work, she could try to get a transfer to a different room or dorm. There are actually far more mature kids at college than immature ones.
Also in my experience, a lot of these wilder kids will drop out after their first semester. The freshman dorms at my kids' colleges became ghost towns by second semester as soon as all of the kids who weren't mature enuf for college dropped out.
At first we resisted when our kids said they wanted to get apartments off campus, but in every case it turned out to be the very best thing they could do. They had more control over circumstances that way and didn't have the distractions and disturbances your daughter is facing. Most colleges seem to restrict this to upper grade students, but its worth looking into.
Finally, give these rowdy kids a break. They are kids. They're born stupid. Just because they act wild and immature and/or don't match your morals, it doesn't mean they are going to be failures throughout life. In some ways your daughter is getting a further education about the way the world is.
Now don't laugh... and granted I don't even have children, BUT, pray her out. I'm not joking.
ReplyDeleteWe have neighbors off and on across the road. Mom has prayed everyone of them out. Right now we are blessed with not having any.
Apple has good advice, but I would add that there's usually an RA in the dorms. We had one on each floor at Rutgers when I was there and my daughter did at UMass. I'd have you daughter approach them first.
ReplyDeleteFirst step is the RA. Especially if said behavior is disruptive to students in the neighboring rooms.
Second would be the Dean of Students.
I had a similar clown back in the late '60s as a roomy...for the first week. My neighbor had one too. We switched roomies and while Bill and I both did well, our formers ended up on probation and mine ended up gone after one year.
I can't add much. My Emma went off with a best buddy as dorm roomie so there was never a question about that stuff.
ReplyDeleteThe folks who got here first seem to have covered it.
She does have rights though, so she needs to speak up and to the right people ... roomie first, RA second, and then ?
Apple, thanks, she has talked it out with the roomie a couple of time and they do reach an agreement, then the kid just goes ahead and does it again. I think that the answer is pretty much what everyone suggested, which is to bring it up to the RA and above if needed.
ReplyDeletePablo, thank you so much for your comment. This is just what I was hoping for when I asked. She has had several discussions with the other party, but they don't seem to bear much fruit.
And you are right about the rowdy kids. I was rowdy enough myself in college and managed to grow up to be a reasonable civilized human being (well, sorta anyhow), but dang, rowdy has really taken on a whole new meaning since my admittedly Jurassic college career. What our girl is going through is mild, very mild, compared to some of the kids' friends, including one friend who found out when her roommate was arrested that she had been living with an accused murderer. Guess I should count my blessings. anyhow, thanks.
Sara, not a bad idea...really
Joated, thank you. There is a so called "quiet" dorm to which she applied when she applied to college, but didn't get a room (Guess Pablo is right about the majority being studious kids). Maybe she can get in there for the next semester, which would be nice
FC, thanks, I have enjoyed watching the way your family has dealt with the new stuff that going away to college brings...clearly you have done a great job. I guess this seems to be a bit of a tempest in a tea pot in a way, and no doubt will be looked upon in retrospect as something to laugh over. Still it is nice for me to get the perspective of folks who have been there and done that. so thanks
Maybe she could find a room to rent with a local family. She should check a church near by to see if there is an older lady that needs a few extra dollars and would rent her a room.
ReplyDeleteshe may be able to do chores in exchange for part of the rent and also find a new friend.
I agree with your conclusion. She needs to speak with the RA and then go upward. The RA either won't care to, or be able to do anything, but it's documentation.
ReplyDeleteShe's gotta get outta that room and away from that . . . person.
Hey, howzabout this: When the ruckus starts, she directly sprays them with bug spray? ...or, in some other way, makes the space uninviting to them.
I know it isn't nice, but the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
There's probably a complaint procedure. Tell your daughter to follow it precisely and document every step she takes. That includes signing and DATING her notes on each meeting and after each phone call. And recording the full name and Job Title of every bureaucrat she encounters.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with those who suggest she waste more time trying to negotiate again with the PIG room-mate. This PIG has zero regard for others and even if she temporarily agrees to stop this PARTICULAR grotesque behavior, she will soon find other ways to abuse your daughter.
No, the sooner she takes this to the authorities, the better. If she doesn't document those encounters then you as a Parent will hear "This is the first I've heard of this" should you have to get involved.
I talked with my daughter and she agreed the RA should be contacted first. If the RA doesn't get quick results she suggests that the next time it happens to go get the RA right then and there - at 3am.
ReplyDeleteI've been giving this more thought. How about a baby monitor...with the volume turned way up, and the speaker part in the hall...? >:-}
ReplyDeleteMy nephew dealt with rowdy, up all night dorm mates by saying nothing but taking action they couldn't help but notice. They were staying up all night partying and waking him up. My nephew had 8 AM classes. After a few nights of this routine my nephew upon returning back to the dorm at 9 AM proceeded to bounce a basketball up and down the halls waking all the bozos up. They weren't happy considering they had some massive hangover headaches. The dorm mates were bright enough to connect the dots and realize my nephew was retaliating for their bad behavior. They asked for a truce and after that the dorm mates kept it quiet and it all worked out. I suggest your daughter find a similar way to get her point across to the skanky room mate. Other posters are correct, it's likely her room mate won't last for more than a semester or two if she continues to spend all her time partying and not studying.
ReplyDeleteFor all the money you pay, I've never understood why dorm rooms aren't singles. Why the heck should young adults be sharing a room? Bad enough to be sharing a building, but a room, that is too close for comfort.
Anon, that is a good thought. She gets along well with older folks, having old fogies for parents, and having grown up with her grands. Thanks
ReplyDeleteJune, I love your thinking!
TROLL, thank you, I am having her read what folks are telling us, since although we have heard about this kind of thing, this is the first we have dealt with it.
Apple, thanks for taking time to ask her about our dilemma! She is reading all these responses too and is grateful for input from people who have dealt with stuff like this...so thanks again
June, I LOVE the baby monitor idea. We laughed so hard last night when I read it...kind of ironic and oh, so, fitting. Thanks!
Anon, smart boy! Glad it worked out for him. Our son has seen a number of kids end up leaving school because they just couldn't get to class....some of them somehow do manage to squeak through but..
And I was wondering the same thing last night...why they don't have single rooms with as much as dorm life costs. Maybe they want kids to struggle to get along as some kind of life learning experience or something. I dunno, but this would not be an issue with single rooms and everyone would be happier. Thanks for commenting.
I really, really like June's ideas: bug spray or a baby monitor, but I suspect neither one will do the trick.
ReplyDeleteI agree that starting with the RA and going up is the best solution. I suspect there's another kid that's having the same problem and would be delighted to room with your daughter. She might even see if one of her new friends wants to room with her. That way she goes to the RA with the problem and the solution.
And Sara's thought will make it all happen.
if you really want your hair curled, read "roommate confessions." (http://www.collegehumor.com/tag:roommate-confessions/articles)
ReplyDeleteit was enough to make me grateful that i'd never lived in the dorms.
if her other friends are having similar problems, can she change her room to share with one of them? and maybe share an apartment or house with them next semester?
while i understand the thinking behind going to the authorities, and realize that she may have no choice, you should not. she's an adult now, and unless she specifically requests that you talk to someone, don't. also take into account that if the roommate is friends with the ra, life could get more difficult for her before it gets better.
is she in a co-ed dorm? most do not allow the opposite sex - she could tell the roommate & boyfriend that if the disturbance continues, she'll report him.
akagaga, thanks, that seems to be the consensus. Maybe the strong discussion they have had this weekend will do the trick. Break is coming up at least and that will give everyone a bit of time off.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ericka, much as it scares me I will take a look...and tell her what you said.
Please have your daughter go talk to someone incharge. Our middle child had a situation with her roommate that just didn't seem to get resolved. At Christmas they finally let us take our daughter off campus with her own apartment. Worked wonders.
ReplyDeleteLinda
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LInda, thanks for the good advice. Glad you were able to get your daughter's situation fixed!
ReplyDelete