Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Affordable COW Act

Guest post by Mark Yeazel of Ja-Bob Holsteins. There are some pretty spectacular cows at Ja-Bob and we here at Northview are big fans. Liz saw this on Facebook and called it to my attention. 

Mr. Yeazel was kind enough to allow me to share it with you....if you would like to purchase a cow, or even two in order to get cowverage before the deadline, we have several available in assorted sizes and colors.

President Obama announces passage of "The Affordable Cow Act"
The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable COW Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new cow by April, 2014. 

These ‘affordable’ cows will cost an average of $1,000-$5,000 each. This does not include feed, vet bills, registration, artificial insemination, hoof trimming, or milking costs. 

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only farmers and responsible people have been able to purchase cows. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ cow of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new cow. If you purchase your cow before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ bales of hay. 

In order to make sure everyone purchases an ‘affordable cow,’ the cost of owning a cow will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, farmers will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to milk and feed. But, to be fair, people who can’t afford to milk and feed their cow will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can milk their parent’s cow(s) until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own cow. 

If you already have a cow, you can keep yours (unless the gov't decides you need a different breed of cow). If you don’t want or don’t need a cow, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don’t want to) purchase an ‘affordable cow’ from a private farm, you can buy a starter cow from the U. S. government ‘affordable cow exchange.’ Such a cow will be a beef cow and will only cost ‘slightly more’ than a similar cow purchased from a private farm. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a cow from the U. S. government’s ‘affordable cow exchange,’ it will appear that you are getting a good deal. 

Failure to milk and feed the cow will also result in fines. People living in areas with no access to a milking parlor are not exempt. Pre-existing conditions such as age, fear of large animals, vegans, experience, knowledge, or lack of cow sense are not acceptable excuses for not milking and feeding your cow. 

A government review board will decide everything, including when, where and how often you should milk and feed your cow, along with how many people can drink milk from your cow. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to milk and feed their cow, and will also decide if your cow has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific cow that is polled or a high genomic more expensive cow. Those that can afford show cows will be required to do so … it’s only fair. The government will also decide the color and breed for each cow. Furthermore, if your cow gives more milk than the average cow, they have the right to confiscate the milk and give it to others.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a cow, they and their families can obtain cows free at the expense of tax payers. This includes lifetime feed provided and vet bills covered through the Affordable Care Act.

Hindus and goat farmers are also exempt.


Rev. Paul said...

I love these variations on the Affordable Care Abomination. :) Best one yet!

Anonymous said...


How many goats does it take to be a goat farmer?

Terry and Linda said...

Outstanding I'm gassing this around. As Jan many goats does it take to be exempt? I'm going to get me some. :)

¸.•*¨*•♪♫♫♪HAPPY NEW YEAR ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥

threecollie said...

Rev. Paul, I thought so too!

Jan, hmmm.....ask the USDA, I'm sure they have a standard. lol

Linda, I was so grateful to be allowed to share it!

Kat @ Where the Sidewalk Ends said...

Just an alternative, if anecdotal, perspective.

It DEFINITELY isn't perfect, but I imagine the ACA would be better than dying at 27 from reaching a lifetime limit of coverage, or because the insurance you pay x hundreds of dollars a month won't cover a pre-existing condition. Not everyone is born healthy. I thank G-d that I was, and make lifestyle choices that keep me that way, but not everyone is as blessed as I am. Not to mention, no one ever died from not owning a cow. Plenty of people have died or gone bankrupt because they couldn't afford health insurance or the healthcare associated with not having it. It always seemed to me that healthcare was as fundamental a human and American right as fire safety and police (not that they are perfect either, but as the alternative is worse, I thank my police and firefighters too.)

Happy New Year.

threecollie said...

Kat, there are plenty of anecdotes on the other side of the story as well. The law is a mess, the cow post is a joke, and I would much prefer that the geniuses in Washington realized that there are plenty of people having a hard time buying groceries, let alone paying for birth control and child health care when they are senior citizens. It's broke and they need to fix it or dump it.