(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({ google_ad_client: "ca-pub-1163816206856645", enable_page_level_ads: true }); Northview Diary: Humor
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Affordable COW Act


Guest post by Mark Yeazel of Ja-Bob Holsteins. There are some pretty spectacular cows at Ja-Bob and we here at Northview are big fans. Liz saw this on Facebook and called it to my attention. 

Mr. Yeazel was kind enough to allow me to share it with you....if you would like to purchase a cow, or even two in order to get cowverage before the deadline, we have several available in assorted sizes and colors.


President Obama announces passage of "The Affordable Cow Act"
The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable COW Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new cow by April, 2014. 

These ‘affordable’ cows will cost an average of $1,000-$5,000 each. This does not include feed, vet bills, registration, artificial insemination, hoof trimming, or milking costs. 

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only farmers and responsible people have been able to purchase cows. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ cow of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new cow. If you purchase your cow before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ bales of hay. 

In order to make sure everyone purchases an ‘affordable cow,’ the cost of owning a cow will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, farmers will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to milk and feed. But, to be fair, people who can’t afford to milk and feed their cow will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can milk their parent’s cow(s) until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own cow. 

If you already have a cow, you can keep yours (unless the gov't decides you need a different breed of cow). If you don’t want or don’t need a cow, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don’t want to) purchase an ‘affordable cow’ from a private farm, you can buy a starter cow from the U. S. government ‘affordable cow exchange.’ Such a cow will be a beef cow and will only cost ‘slightly more’ than a similar cow purchased from a private farm. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a cow from the U. S. government’s ‘affordable cow exchange,’ it will appear that you are getting a good deal. 

Failure to milk and feed the cow will also result in fines. People living in areas with no access to a milking parlor are not exempt. Pre-existing conditions such as age, fear of large animals, vegans, experience, knowledge, or lack of cow sense are not acceptable excuses for not milking and feeding your cow. 

A government review board will decide everything, including when, where and how often you should milk and feed your cow, along with how many people can drink milk from your cow. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to milk and feed their cow, and will also decide if your cow has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific cow that is polled or a high genomic more expensive cow. Those that can afford show cows will be required to do so … it’s only fair. The government will also decide the color and breed for each cow. Furthermore, if your cow gives more milk than the average cow, they have the right to confiscate the milk and give it to others.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a cow, they and their families can obtain cows free at the expense of tax payers. This includes lifetime feed provided and vet bills covered through the Affordable Care Act.

Hindus and goat farmers are also exempt.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Organic, All-Natural, Off the Grid Garbage Disposal

Bwahahahahaha!!!!!


Here.... good friend Florida Cracker is at it again with his innovative and everlastingly clever inventions. He must have put this together in his LAB-oratory. If you don't read Pure Florida you should!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Leftovers

Lichen, not leftover, but it could have been


Some people dread them and whine and complain about the too much food thing. Hah, no such thing. No way no how. Personally I am very fond of them. It is wonderful to finish up the day and know the only cooking I have to do is to pull those wonderful square plastic tubs the boss bought me out of the fridge, pile them on the table and point the family at the microwave.

Here is someone who has scientific ideas about how to handle them.

I really like his thinking......of course he is the editor of the paper that runs the Farm Side....but, still, I really like his thinking. Kind of on a been there, done that sort of level.

***Here is another just put up today. Pretty darned inspiring.

Friday, July 29, 2011

You Can Imagine My Chagrin


When the White House, while supposedly engaged in negotiations that could make or break our already creaking and trembling nation, thought it appropriate to Rick roll Twitter

And I ended up with this going through my head.

Dang! So glad they have a sense of humor.

*******Too bad that is the only sense they have.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

You Gotta Go See This

You just gotta. Florida's finest nature blogger, FC, at Pure Florida rescued some little tadpoles. You need to visit his blog and watch his video. of the event...not missing the captions.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lightening Up

It seems that wintry weather is causing misery just about everywhere. They say that there is snow in at least some part of 49 of 50 states.

However, there are ways to render it alll more bearable.

So go here to learn the rules for dating.

Or about the cat that was called for jury duty.

Fun in the snow with a calf sled.

Not so funny, but very interesting, a plastic town.

And some very funny British animal voice overs



Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Good one from Aunt Peggy

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it
still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for
a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler
Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must
remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw
it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I
like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the
toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of
saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee
table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -
not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

***Not the sort of thing I usually post, but it made me laugh so hard it hurt. And since last night we lost power just as we were milking the last few cows and didn't get it back until around two AM I needed a good laugh...figured you might too.