You know of course that we lost both our parents four days apart over New Years. They were 87 and 89 and had a good life together, raised us, loved us and all the grandbabies and great grandbabies, and left their mark on the world in many ways.
They never stopped doing and loving and living right up until the end.
Covid made that end dark and lonely, something which is very hard to forgive at all, ever. Bad things were done and happened that I am not going to talk about here, but they sure should not keep families apart at such times.
Anyhow, more than they loved all of us, they loved each other. They were more entwined than anyone I knew...utterly dependent on one another. If one was in the hospital the other pined and did all they could to fix things if they could. They never went anywhere without each other, shared hobbies and pastimes and work and play.
Mom was so damned strong that it humbled me. She simply did everything she could to make life right for Dad. She taught me to go after what was needed no matter how hard it might have been to ask. He knew that he needed her and just how much and acted accordingly. I hope they are rewarded in Heaven for what they went through in their final weeks.
When they went it was as if the center shifted and the light went off in the world. I had them sixty-eight years, my whole life, and it wasn’t nearly enough.
But for three months I never cried. Not a tear, no dampness in the corner of the eye. Numbness and mournful malaise for sure but no tears.
Then one day I was listening to the High Kings perform the Dutchman on my cell phone playlist, while I washed the dishes.
Margaret and the Dutchman seemed to personify my parents’ relationship and the way they propped each other up and cherished each other for so many years.
I looked up at their pictures on the wall over the stove and started crying and couldn’t stop. The rest of that day was a melting watercolor of every loss I’ve ever felt, especially over the past 18 months.
Okay, everybody needs that. Good, maybe I will move on now.
Except that every single time I hear the song, no matter how determined I am to not react I do. Same way every time.
Many probably see me as a hard person. Or at least stoic. Farming can bring on the hard, all the while softening the center where no one sees. It certainly fosters stoicism. You just get used to things happening that you can’t control and learn to roll with it and just move on.
However, that song absolutely dissolves me right down to nothing every single time I hear it.
Should I take if off my playlist and harden the old shell, or leave it there on shuffle to sneak up on me with its reminders of all that is missing?
We lost so many close family members, beloved aunts, an amazing uncle, good friends from all over the world in the past few months……I just don’t know.
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9 comments:
I wish I could hug you. Sit and cry with you. But, know this, I can and will pray for you.
Love you Dear Friend
I’d leave it on my playlist and cry happy tears for happy memories of love.
I understand completely... people see me the same way. I'm the one who had to be tough over the years when the world was falling apart in our family. Even recently, when we had to put Merle and Tess down... but grief sneaks up on you unawares and leaves you in a puddle of tears. Leave the song there; and someday the tears will be not from grief that thay are gone but happiness that they lived and loved and showed you
how to do it.
The song by Kathy Mattea "Where've you been" would be another one- it still brings me to tears just imagining that kind of love.
Thanks, Linda, that means a lot
Denny, I probably will. It is a beautiful song....but sometimes I am going to need to skip it.
Shirley, thank you for your kind words. I know that Kathy Mattea song, and I agree...it is very beautiful and poignant.
I had my parents 44 years, my husband 50 and that was not enough time for me to have any of the three people. mmy husband and I had a tight marriage, we seemed to do every thing together, even if he needed gas for the mower he said come ride with me a few miles down the road. He knew I love ice cream, if we got a cone he ate slow and when I finished he handed me his and said I really don't want this, here I love you. So many small things said I love you. I am an only child so my parents loved me more than I ever knew but did not spoil me. We lived on a dairy farm so I learned to work hard at an early age and to love even deeper. I know what you mean about a song or something else that can trigger tears for hours. My husband played piano in church for 60 years so many songs at church make me teat up. I have a grand piano sitting in my living room(I do not play) but it means so much to me I cannot part with it. It is good that we are human and can live memories and either cry or smile from them. Thinking about you this day, keep the song.
Ellie, thank you for sharing this beautiful story. I am so sorry that you lost your lifetime companion too soon. He sounds wonderful and caring. Hugs
You honored and celebrated your folks so often through your blog, I felt great affection for them, too, and mourned their deaths, especially the difficult ways that they died and the anguish that caused you. I would not be surprised that anger interfered with your grief, and understandably so. Please don't feel bad about crying. Great love and great loss deserve great tears. You honor your mom and dad with them.
Jacqueline, thank you you so much for your kind and understanding words. The horrors of their stay in the nursing home haunt me still and probably always will. If the only way you can communicate is by phone and the attendants won't let them keep their phones handy or give them to them when they can't reach them, you are utterly helpless. On weekends the home didn't even answer their own phones. Can't help but feel guilty about not being able to help in meaningful ways. And yes, anger enters into the emotions about it big time. Thanks again.
Grief is a funny thing, it sneaks up on you. My sympathy in the loss of your parents during Covid, I can not imagine how hard that was:(
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